3 years and 3 days…

 It’s been 3 years and 3 days that I was diagnosed with Inflammatory breast cancer stage 3b. After 18 rounds of chemo, 36 rounds of radiation and over 30 hours on an operating table here I am again. 

In February I felt something outside of my stomach bulging out, March still there. I called my oncologist in March and said something is wrong, I  immediately went in for a CT scan. CT scan revealed a rectus sheath mass with appearance strongly suggestive of a rectus sheath hematoma. 

A rectus sheath hematoma: is an accumulation of blood in the sheath of the rectus abdominis muscle. It causes abdominal pain with or without a mass.

After my scan, the plan was nothing. It’ll go away on its on. 

2 weeks ago, I noticed it had gotten larger. I can see it and feel it on my stomach area. I called my oncologist again and she said another CT, CT said no, get a PET scan. 

PET: Positron emission tomography is a functional imaging technique that uses radioactive substances known as radiotracers to visualize and measure changes in metabolic processes, and in other physiological activities including blood flow, regional chemical composition, and absorption.

Completed PET—it lit up like someone sent a match inside my body. I saw the visual of this, it’s WILD. I knew what that meant for me. However, I just prayed whatever it what was manageable. 

CT/PET scans are posted immediately to your digital chart which I manage my care through it. The results to my PET posted last Friday. It sent me in a world wind of GOOGLING along with my trusted friend, Jesse. At one point we just stopped googling because nothing was making sense and nothing was consistent with this diagnosis. My oncologist was out until today, so I begged for her colleague to call me to explain. He did, and he was incorrect in his wording. Or shit, maybe I heard what I wanted to hear—I don’t know. The weekend went by and stayed on google trying to figure out if this is cancer. Again, nothing consistent.

The diagnosis is an Desmoid tumor on the abdominal wall. It’s sitting right on that rectus sheath. That rectus sheath is a muscle that helps you get up and down. So when I do that I feel that tumor straining that muscle. 

To answer the question: is it cancer, yes. However, it won’t get into my blood, it’s a low-grade cancer meaning it won’t metastasize (spread to other areas in the body). 

How will they treat it: right now with nothing. They want to see how much it’ll grow over the next 2 months. It grew from March to June as I knew it did. So, now we have numbers to compare it to and then new numbers in August. Then we decide to surgically remove if it’s growing. My fear is, this is the gateway for colon cancer because I do have chek2 mutation and it’ll grow to a size that makes it surgically impossible to remove. That’s another blog (chek2)—but my oncologist is aware and will now do CT scans every 6 months now that I have a Desmoid tumor to justify the scans. But the Desmoid tumor will be monitored every 3 months for growth. And my oncologist will do CT scans every 6 months. 

I’m in the process of getting a second opinion at MD Anderson hopefully at the end of June. 

I’m ok with this, because it could of been much more. Even though I still don’t know how fast this thing is growing I do know it’s manageable. 

I need you all to know if I wouldn’t be so self aware of my body, that hematoma they labeled me as in March would be just that. And I’d have cancer and not know. I felt the growth, and I told my oncologist. You have to know your body especially if you are in a predisposition to cancer reoccurrence. Having cancer will make you feel stupid because some doctors will not spend the time to educate you and sometimes you don’t know what to ask. 

I’m always available to chat to help anyone as it’s therapeutic for me. 

From LA to the LA...

How to get to LA from LA for your surgery. 

Hello. I’m 38 years old, I was age 36 diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer, stage 3b. If you would of told me then I’d be cancer free and living my life right now I wouldn’t have believed you. 

Here I am cancer free and continuing to survive this journey I am on thanks to my team of doctors. 

There’s a comfort and trust that only you and I can relate to when you can continue treatment with your dream team. My dream team includes Dr. Jamie Zampell. 

I needed another revision surgery from having 2 prior. Dr. Zampell moved on from Ochsner to Beverly Hills, CA. Fancy, right? In my last follow up visit with her she mentioned if I were ever in LA she would do my nipple reconstruction. And, I jokingly responded back with “I’ll come”. After a few months passed my right breast dropped significantly. Leaving me disproportionate. Unfortunately, that meant another revision surgery. Ochsner contracted Dr. Z to come finish up some patients but I didn’t make the cut in time for her to do my revision. I was able to see her when she was here at Ochsner and I think she was just as sad as I was that she couldn’t get me in. Covid prevented a lot of things from happening in the surgery world. Again the conversation came up about me coming out to LA. I knew since I met most of my insurance deductible it could possibly happen. I crossed my fingers. Dr. Z and her office manager, Natalie worked hard to get me scheduled. Within one week I was out in LA. I’m still in shock that I went. And let me tell you, WELL WORTH IT. I would do it a million times over. Dr. Zampell’s work ethic, her fight for you, her bed side manners, and talent is like no other and it’ll have her soaring through her career in LA. She’s a rockstar. 

1. Dr. Zampell’s office manager, Natalie (the best) clears procedure with insurance. Gets approval. I did all my clearances that you need prior to surgery with my primary caregiver in my hometown. 
2. Schedule surgery and commit to the date with Natalie. I needed to be there for 10 days prior to surgery due to covid. And Dr. Zampell said I would be able to go home 48 hours after my surgery. Disclosure: every procedure is different and your recovery may not be the same as mine. 
3. I booked flights and hotel. 
4. St John hospital has some contracts with local hotels for a more affordable rate. One of hotels was the Gateway in Santa Monica and the Ambrose in Santa Monica. Both hotels are within walking distance to St. John hospital. How do you chose? Depends on your budget. If you drive a Chevrolet stay at the Gateway. If you drive a Mercedes stay at the Ambrose. Even the Shore hotel would of given us a good rate which is across the street from Santa Monica beach. Gateway was really nice and wanted to be accommodating. They even let us view the room prior to staying there. We ultimately chose the Ambrose. Great experience. No complaints at all. We did ask for an extended stay rate. They also gave us free parking. You can connect Netflix and Hulu through their TV’s. Refrigerator: this was a bit of a challenge they have one in hotel but it’s very small. We bought an ice chest at Walgreens (look, we know how to manage from these hurricanes right?) and we left it for the staff when we departed. Remember, I was there for 10 days bc of covid. 
5. Do you need to rent a car? No. You can Uber and walk wherever you need to go. And there’s scooters all around the city to use but ultimately it’s like taking an Uber cost wise. Most hotels charge a rate of $45 a night to park. We decided on renting a car bc we wanted to drive out to the beaches. Like Malibu, Long Beach, Laguna Beach etc. that doesn’t cost anything. And I knew if we shopped or ate out every day we would blow through money very quickly. 
6. Eating: We did eat out a few nights. We stayed at the Sixty hotel for 2-3 nights when we first arrived. We literally got off the flight into Uber and went straight to Dr. Z’s office. The Sixty is minutes from her office so we walked there. The rooftop restaurant/bar is beautiful. Go up there when the sun is setting. Stunning. You can even eat there if you’re not a guest. The Sixty in BH is probably geared towards younger generation. I loved the vibe. Not the marijuana smell. But that’s LA. My suggestion is to order with DoorDash, subway, pizza, etc. the restaurants in California serve plenty of food you and your guest can eat off of one meal. Trust me. Their portions are huge. We ate at Paradise Cove in Malibu it was my favorite. But that was also a treat. We mostly ordered from doordash and ate in the beautiful court yard at the Ambrose for dinner. 
7. Should we have booked an airb&b? Maybe? We did need to wash clothes but there was a laundry mat around the corner from hotel. They washed and folded the same day for $12. Score. 
8. We packed lightly. But it’s cooler at night you definitely need warmer clothes in the evening. Just a casual jacket is fine. The city lights and weather will leave you to never missing home in the big easy. If you are a runner, love to walk, LA is your jam there’s just nothing like it. 
9. There’s shuttles running all day from your airline to the rental car places. Or, you can arrange Uber. 
10. We had all positive experiences with Uber-ing. 
11. We walked the Santa Monica strip which was nice. There was live music, affordable food, and plenty of shopping. Like, Zara (my fav) or Louis Vuitton. 
12. Santa Monica beach is beautiful but people are out when the weather is nice. It was packed on the weekend. We stayed clear of it due to covid. People are social distancing and wearing mask for sure. 
13. St. John hospital was great. Nurses, staff, and anesthesia was excellent. Even though my fiancé couldn’t come in to wait for me due to covid. Everything went well and I felt great being there alone. I was able to see Dr. Z before they took me to surgery and I saw her immediately after surgery in recovery. She called in and the nurses kept her up to speed with my progress. My recovery nurse was so good to me. 
14. Follow up care: Dr. Zampell will help you with this. Whether it be someone from Ochsner or your primary caregiver. 
15. What about drains? I had (2) Dr. Z was able to remove the day after surgery. But again that’s not saying your situation is the same as mine. I would of had no problem flying back with the drains. 
16. I left CA 48 hrs after surgery. The plane ride wasn’t that bad but prepare yourself for it. I didn’t take any pain medication because I personally feel out of it when taking it. I bared through the soreness. It wasn’t terrible. I wished we wouldn’t have flown spirit only because the seats are small. Make sure you have upgraded seats on way back and you don’t want anyone sitting next to you guys on plane. But that’s just my preference. I did it with small seats and a 6’2 guy on the side of my 6 ft fiancé. Get a wheelchair from off that plane to your vehicle. I walked LAX but when I arrived in Nola spirit airlines is the last terminal and that walk left me breathless with a mask on. I waited for a wheelchair half way through the walk. I push myself hard but I was doing too much and I know my limit. 
17. If you are not renting a car, just do so the day of surgery. Do not Uber from hospital to hotel. It’s just not recommended. 
18. I’m now, 3 days post surgery and I’m doing great. No issues, no complaints, and no regrets! Dr. Z and Natalie have checked on me every day. 
19. P.S. I didn’t see any celebrities. But my results are AMAZING! 

7 days...

I’ve said this before...

When I was first diagnosed I went into straight FIGHT mode. (The fight-or-flight response  is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival). I knew my brain would control my fight, my survival, so I stayed positive. I often pretended “I got this”, I’ve said “I’m fine”. But I also was very afraid of this... I have now gotten to a place where I’m scared. I have 7 days til reconstruction surgery. It’s a 10 plus hour surgery. I’ll be in ICU afterwards. 5-7 day hospital stay. The last time I was in surgery for 6 hours I was scared too. Nick left me so they could take me back to surgery, I cried like a baby. He’s my armor. I’m nothing without his motivation, love, or encouragement. 

I never allowed myself to come out of fight mode. Therefore, I knew the fear was coming. Or, flight mode was coming if you will. I told Nick yesterday I’m canceling my surgery pushing it back to October. For god sakes, I’ll miss Masyn’s graduation from Basic Training and it’s killing me. She asked via letters if I was going. My heart is aching. She needs me there as well as her Mom. She’s my only godchild and I’ve NEVER missed anything. I can’t push my surgery back though, it’ll delay me returning to work and all around it delays recovery from cancer. Nick starts turnaround in September so he’ll be working 7 days vs 5-6 days now. He has more availability to take care of me now. I’m concerned I will need more help at home and I’m not sure what I’ll do. My stomach will be cut from side to side and I’ll have reconstruction with my breast. I mean, how the hell will I get up? 

I’ve thought about if I don’t make it through this surgery. If I die. I’m so lucky to be cancer free but something will go wrong sooner or later right? Most people who have inflammatory breast cancer, stage 3b can never have reconstruction. And, bc I’m HER2 positive and that means the chances of cancer coming back is high. I completed my will the other day. Appointed someone to make legal decisions bc in the state of LA it’ll be my next of ken which is my father who doesn’t speak to me. I’m here to say if I die, y’all better not start a go fund me to bury me. And don’t share my obituary on Facebook like its news of the week. My casket will be closed so y’all can’t touch me or kiss me. Bet. I’m tying up lose ends so no one is scrambling to figure anything out just in case. It sucks. I’ll leave behind 3 heart broken people that love me unconditionally. I can’t deal. Pray for me. 

Cancer takes a lot from you. And if I had to explain to you what’s it like having cancer in one word it would be “lost”. Because I’ve lost so much. Y’all know I lost my career, a career I loved. I lost family members. I lost my hair. I lost my confidence. I lost my breast. I lost my identity. And my brain is not the same. You may know someone who had cancer but have you lived with them? There’s nothing you can assume to know if you’ve never been in my shoes. Living with something that’s trying to kill you. Yes, you can feel it. At least I could. I’ve been through 6 rounds of 4 different chemo drugs. Mastectomy. 36 rounds of radiation. Still doing immunotherapy. Oral chemo pill. And now, I’m starting the reconstruction phase. There’s 2 parts to this, so I’ll have another surgery by the end of this year. And, I’m still fighting disability. Let me know who’ll hire me not being able to work 12 weeks this year. I’ll post my resume to send to them. (Insert eye-roll). 

I’ve had some dark days recently and most of you have reached out to make sure I’m ok. You have no idea what that does to someone who thinks they are not loved by many. Huge insecurity I have that I’m not loved unless I’m providing something for them. 

Recently I read—- humble yourself before something humbles you that you won’t like. Look at me, 36 years old with stage 3b cancer. There’s one more stage y’all. I was close to stage 4. Trust me, I haven’t always been humble. I’ve been mad at god for taking my mom at 48 years old. But, my sins have been paid for, trust. If I have it it’s yours. I’ve always forgiven people who have done really bad things to me. I truly believe it’s what saved my life because you may not see anything I do for others, but god does. I took in 4 foster kids for weeks during radiation treatment. They only left because my radiation oncologist said, no stress—if this cancer comes back you won’t survive. I beat myself up for weeks because I wanted them back. I don’t know how you foster moms survive the removals. I’ve allowed 3 extra people to live in my home for months free! I’m  not trying to toot my own horn but I’ve given so much of me to others. But I would NOT change it for ANYTHING. So, when and if you bury me—you’ll bury my heart not my love. Write it on my grave. 

Nick, my kids, and my best friend will be with me during my surgery time waiting in that cold ass lobby with uncomfortable chairs. Feel free to reach out to Camryn if you have her number to stay updated. 

I love you for loving me. I love you for supporting me through this journey. Keep my family in your prayers, please. 💕 

Surviving...

  Yesterday, June 6, 2019 was the day I received my diagnosis. I was sitting in orientation with Camryn at LSU. Dr. Rau, my surgeon at that time called and told me over the phone that the pathology report reflected what we were suspicious of. I did not panic, like yesterday, it was pouring down raining. I honestly was so focused on Camryn getting to LSU's ID place to get her picture done without soaking wet hair. (funny, but if you know me, this is the truth). 
Nick was working out of state, I immediately called him, he left and drove 13 hours straight home. Everything else now seems like it happened so fast. My right hand, Jesse Wilson was there from the first appointment. Some of you know don’t know her, but she was God sent. Or, Mom sent. Maybe my Mom sent her to me. Jesse didn’t love me yet, we had just met so I knew she would steer me in the right directions. She just knew how to navigate this journey. She was everything good. She wanted to help me. And she did just that. Still does. She processed every appointment when I couldn’t. She took notes. She stayed up late at night researching treatment. Finding hope then instilling it into me. She asked questions. She texted, she called, she drove, she visited. I could never repay her or anyone else who made a mark in my journey. I’m forever indebted to you. 

   I celebrated yesterday instead of sitting on my couch reflecting. I chatted and ate with some friends and family who truly loved me through my journey. Even if it was from a distance. The love you all had for me helped me get through this. Don’t discount yourself in my journey because I don’t. You picked me up through social media through texts through food deliveries through prayers through visits and calls. I knew who I could rely on when I needed something. When I thanked my company for leaving their family to come--- a few people reminded me how inspiring I was to them. How my journey impacted their life. How some of them were so devastated they couldn’t speak about it for weeks. Heather told me it killed her to watch me be so vulnerable one afternoon because she knew how strong I was prior to this journey. She was here when Bree came with my first wig purchase. She saw the little hair I was holding onto and encouraged the look of the wig. That day I felt like I could appear normal with that wig that Bree knocked out of the park for me. Bree thanked Nick for being Nick and for relentlessly staying grounded and keeping me there too. Jessica reminded me via messenger how strong I was weekly, how incredibly proud she was of me, and how honored she was to be a part of my journey. I truly believe this journey was meant for me now. I wish it wasn't but it tested the weak person I always thought I was. It allowed me to face fears of not knowing how I would survive without a paycheck. It taught me that eliminating people out of my life was okay. It taught me that trusting was okay. It taught me that God will go before me, lead me, and not leave me. 

                                

Here’s just a run down on treatment. 

—I had Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Stage 3b 

—Her2+, progesterone+, and estrogen-   

—Cancer spread to lymph nodes under my left arm also. 

—Benign tumor on right breast. 

—I completed 6 rounds of chemo (herceptin, perjeta, carboplatin, and docetaxel). 

—Mastectomy was in Dec. 2018. Removed 13 lymph nodes (numb right upper arm now).      Removal of Tumor. 

—PET scan =Cancer Free (but we are never free of anything)

—Radiation was for 6 weeks every day Monday-Friday. 

—I’m still receiving immunotherapy every 3 weeks because I’m HER2+ & Zoladex every 4 weeks (to shut down my ovaries, & intentionally block hormone receptors) 
---I also take Tamoxifen which is an oral chemo drug for 10 years. 

—Reconstruction surgery, Aug 21st is the date.  You must wait for the body to heal completely from radiation because blood vessels have been weakened or destroyed from radiation. And, I’m doing the DIEP flap surgery. They take stomach fat to create breast with your tissue. (Tummy tuck) 

This surgery will be probably 6-8 hours. So many risk with that being under anesthesia that long is dangerous. Not to mention the tedious work of connecting blood vessels for the reconstruction. 

—Recently completed a CAT scan because my plastic surgeon needs to start the planning. So she studies the Abdomen. Well, there’s a micro-nodule on my lung. Oncologist will order a scan without contrast in 3 months or so to keep an eye on it. Everything else looks normal. 

—My oncologist wants a colonoscopy. My genetic testing in the beginning of treatment came make with undetectable mutation. Therefore, she wants to make sure colon is ok. 

—I’m tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I lost my job because I had cancer and I’m not over it. Let it happen to you and see if and when you’ll be over it. 5.5 years with this company. I’m fighting disability because apparently I’m not disabled. Let me know who’ll hire me with me doing immunotherapy every 3 weeks, Zoladex every 4 weeks, and (2) reconstruction surgeries soon. My ex-employer was notified of my diagnosis before my kids and yourself knew. I asked if I had anything to worry about so I can prepare. I was told by the director "NO" after she spoke with board president. They were willing and able to accommodate whatever was needed. When I requested leave for my mastectomy and the removal of my tumor to save my life I was told—by the way we had to back track your hours when you began treatment and you have 130 hours left of family medical leave act. And if you don’t return Dec. 27th you’ll be terminated. Because that director and board president didn’t inform me of FMLA, I lost my job. Had I known anything about FMLA hours being counted down I would of (A). Made sure I had enough time to recover from surgery to keep my job. (B). I wouldn’t have allowed Camryn to go to LSU (signed a 12 month lease for $1250) and join a sorority (1600.00 a semester). (C). I wouldn’t have let Nick buy me a new car. (D). I would of resigned because I was disabled when I was given my diagnosis. Needless to say, Dec 26th the director called and said after talking to Board President, & Vice President it was decided I was to be terminated. Now, here’s where things also get messy: there was a letter written about me that was given to the board, supervisors, and director. A staff member that I worked with for 5.5 years said, if I wasn’t let go she would quit. It was her formal resignation. I have a copy of the biased letter. Never once was I allowed to defend myself regarding the letter. But let me just say it was biased, untruthful, and definitely drama filled plain ugliness towards someone who didn't ask to get cancer. I was NEVER written up. My evaluations were good. There was no reason to terminate me but simply because they didn’t do their job on educating themselves on FMLA. And some of you will say I should of known. Ok, you get cancer and ask if there’s anything to worry about and your boss tells you no and you still know about FMLA. I didn’t know a damn thing about FMLA. Clearly the director nor the board president or anyone on the board knew either which was later admitted to me. Maybe after the letter was written and read it was an excuse to let me go. Who knows the motive. Because there was motive. But it still hurts because I loved my job. 
 

  Fuck you, Dad who never reached out to me in the last 4 years. And definitely didn’t attempt to when his daughter was diagnosed with Cancer. I have had this insecurity all my life that people didn't love me unless I was giving or doing for them. My oldest sister has proven this time and time again and it hurts. I sat at that dinner table last night and said, none of these people here have ever asked for anything from me, expected anything from me to be my friend. I missed a lot of people last night who were either on vacation, lives out of state, or couldn't make it. I wish I could of had more than what I had with me because you deserve a toast to you too. Somewhere in your life someone taught you to be a good person to someone else. 

  Nick and my children have been my constant. Without them I wouldn't have fought this battle. No one wants to go through chemotherapy, lose their hair, lose everything that made them an individual. I lost a lot through this journey, but isn't that the cycle of life? I can chose to look at this journey as a lost or as a win. And, today I chose to win. I won. I am winning. I am surviving. Cheers to you and all my love to my family and friends.

Treatment update

I know some of you are confused when you see me posting pictures in that chemo room. Well, here is where I am. I’m cancer free right? After chemo we did surgery on 12/4 and that went really well. Pathology report was what they call complete, which means cancer free. No cancer cells left behind. It couldn’t have been any more perfect.

I met with my team which includes oncologist, plastic surgeon, and oncology surgeon everything is healing well and they are all blown away on how well things look. Expanders were placed to hold the space for reconstruction in the near future. Expanders symbolize an implant. The difference is, the plastic surgeon fills the explanders with fluid until I am comfortable with the size. Fills are done every 2 weeks. I’ve only completed 2 because I’m just comfortable where I am. Buttoning a button down shirt is life! The fills don’t hurt it’s actually pretty amazing how this stuff works.

After meeting with my oncologist she’s decided to do radiation to seal the deal. To just burn off anything that could of been left behind. And to make sure the cancer doesn’t return. Remember, I have inflammatory breast cancer it grows fast and quickly—very aggressive. I will need 33 rounds of radiation. Radiation is given daily, 5 days a week and it takes approximately 30 minutes. I decided to do radiation in Houma simply because driving to Nola every day alone is too much for me. Besides, the mileage on my car would be wild! I met with radiation oncologist in Houma weeks ago and treatment will begin this week. I completed my trial run today. They do a practice run to make sure all your measurements on your body is right so that the machine can be calculated to you to give the radiation. The radiation dr did fully warn me that I will burn and my last 8 sessions will be rough. I’m sure he said he was gonna try to kill me (just joking). However, he told me my skin will change, my breast will shrink, my skin will have discoloration, sore throat because the radiation goes right under the clavical. Not looking forward to this process at all. Chemo, I could have Nick besides me. Radiation I’m in a room alone being told how to breathe by a robot. Holding my breath for 30 seconds is hard too.

Along with radiation I must do Herceptin every month for 10 months. This is what I go to the chemo room for. Here’s my hormone results to my cancer and what it means. ESTROGENE NEGATIVE. PROGESTERONE POSITIVE. HER2 POSITIVE.

Hormone status of breast cancers includes:

• Estrogen receptor (ER) positive. The cells of this type of breast cancer have receptors that allow them to use the hormone estrogen to grow. Treatment with anti-estrogen hormone (endocrine) therapy can block the growth of the cancer cells.
• Progesterone receptor (PR) positive. This type of breast cancer is sensitive to progesterone, and the cells have receptors that allow them to use this hormone to grow. Treatment with endocrine therapy blocks the growth of the cancer cells.
•  HER2 gene. Cancer cells that have too many copies of the HER2 gene (HER2-positive cancers) produce too much of the growth-promoting protein called HER2. Targeted therapy drugs are available to shut down the HER2 protein, thus slowing the growth and killing these cancer cells.

To treat the HER 2 positive I must do the immunotherapy with herceptin monthly. To treat progesterone I have to take letrozole which is an oral chemo drug. Daily for 10 years. Yes, 10 years. The side effects with this drug is scary. Heart attack, which is why I’m suppose to take an aspirin a day. It weakens the bones which I already have from chemo so it’ll get worse. The weakness right now is being addressed in physical therapy. Along with the tightness under my arm and numbness. That’s caused from the lymph nodes being removed during surgery. I started letrozole today. Radiation is delayed tomorrow due to my expander shifting. I’ll see my plastic surgeon tomorrow to see if she can adjust it without surgery. If so, my first radiation will be Wednesday.

This treatment seems like a lot but I’m doing ok adjusting to all of this. Because the other side of it isn’t so interesting to me. I must just follow doctor’s orders. I bounce from appointment to appointment, phone calls, messages on my portal, medication dosage, etc.

It’s difficult to accept that I am cancer free when I’m continuing treatment. I still see the cancer. The hair loss, the chemo bloatness, breast removal, loss of eyelashes, etc. The mirror still terrifies me. But, my life was spared for what reason I’m not sure yet but I will figure it out.

Thanks for reading! I’ll update soon. ❤️❤️💞🥊

A full plate...

  It's been a while and so much has happened. I think I am still processing it all. I often wonder if I've processed most of this nightmare.

  My plate is full. What you forget when you have cancer is that nothing stops and I want it to on most days. I am constantly juggling things such as appointments, medication, more appointments, waiting for results, working, keeping up with Camryn at LSU, keeping up with Jacob at home. All while trying to stay healthy enough to keep this process going. I don't know how I've managed that so far. Life has been quite challenging to say the least.

  I forgot that my children were affected by my diagnosis. Terrible Mom, I know. I heard the signs of Camryn and Jacob being in distress, I ignored them because I didn't have the energy. I learned a few weekends ago that Jacob thinks I'm dying. Imagine being 16 years old and finding out your Mom has cancer. Even though I explained to my children that I was not given a death sentence they STILL processed my diagnosis on their perceptions. The difference between Camryn and Jacob is, Jacob lives with me. He sees Nick taking care of me most of my days, he sees my bald head. He see's the tiredness. Camryn just worries constantly because she isn't home. She comes home when she can, and never wants to leave. When my Mom was diagnosed I remember pleading with God to give it to me not her. Let me die, not my Mom she deserved this life more than me. I remember begging in a church pew weekly. I read Camryn's blog and she is too begging to switch places with me. That's tough pill to swallow as a Mom, it keeps me up at night.

  I hate what this cancer has done to my kids. It was my worse fear in the beginning if you remember. I didn't want my kids to be affected. And, I'm just so tired. I am tired of checking in on Camryn ALL day long because I'm worried about her. I feel bad that Jacob is trying to academically over achieve because he knows that good grades make me happy.

  So, my last chemo was Oct. 18th. But that was just my last chemo of 4 drugs. My  chemo/immunotherapy drugs, herceptin and perjeta won't stop for another year. I'll have those drugs through my port once a month for a year.

  I met with my surgeon and things have changed since the first time I saw her. First of all, Dr. Du my Oncologist labeled me as Inflammatory Breast Cancer Stage 3b. This is what I am still processing---STAGE 3B. Jesus! Previously, I was Invasive Mammary Carcinoma Favorable Ductal Type Stage 2A. Inflammatory Breast Cancer is considered to be advanced cancer, meaning it has spread from its point of origin to nearby tissue and possibly lymph nodes. I always knew I had 2 positive lymph nodes. But the new diagnosis changes everything from this point forward. I will now have to do some clinical trial (no details yet) and she will have to remove all lymph nodes (not favorable) instead of the 2 that have tested positive for cancer during surgery. Here is what happens when all your lymph nodes are removed...If you had lymph nodes removed, your immune system may not work as well on that side of your body. ... Infection can increase your risk of developing a condition known as lymphedema, in which lymph fluid “backs up” in the arm, hand, and causes swelling and discomfort. 
 
  What's next? I will have 2 surgeries 1 surgery for removal with expanders put in. The surgery should take about 6 hours on Nov. 30th and my recovery will be 4-6 weeks. I was hoping surgery will be Nov. 21st since Nick is generally off during Thanksgiving and Cam would be home from LSU. So, now I'll be recruiting my favorite people to come take care of me. Hint. Hint. Next, will be Radiation which is 5 days a week for 6 weeks. Reconstructive surgery will come after radiation because you don't want new tissue from the new breast to be affected by radiation. However, reconstructive surgery could be anywhere from 3 to 6 months following radiation and that surgery will be 12-14 hours long.

  My legs are so painful because I have tons of fluid still on me. Or, I could have neuropathy (numbness or weakness).

  My results from my MRI came in. A mass that was 8.2 cm (bigger than a baseball) is now 6mm. I also had a mass on my other breast but that one has significantly reduced its size also however, that mass was not cancerous. The size reduction is truly beautiful as my surgeon describes it. Chemo worked.

  Keep my family in your thoughts as I prepare for this upcoming surgery. I hear its rough and probably the worse part of this whole process. Most patients experience complications, I am hoping I'm exempt from most.

  I will say, I am ready for some normalcy. I want to go to LSU games, I want to go to HomeGoods, I want to go to Marshall's. Shit, I just want to shop in stores and not so much online. I have to still limit myself from being in public because of the germs and it's flu season. My legs are fatigued but since Dr. Du has prescribed medication I’m just hoping to see it working soon.

  Thank you all who have been my constant. I love each of you who cooked for us, donated, gave their time to attend my appointments (Nick, Jesse, Jill, Crystal, Shelly Arceneaux), those of you who walk into my office and say "how are you?", and my facebook friends who comment their encouragement and support you are important to me too. Thank you! ---xoxo

It’ll kill you...

So, remember me saying chemo 4 would be tough. It’s just what google says. It’s not told to you by doctors. But, I know the more chemo in your body the harder it is to bounce back. That was no lie told.

Monday, I was putting clothes in washer and I was exhausted. I started breathing really hard like I was almost hyperventilating. I kept doing deep breathes to calm myself down and to catch my breath. I went check the mail and that did me in. I messaged my oncologist. And asked if this was normal. My gosh, I do have poison in my body. Maybe it’s just the chemo. She sent back a reply and said this is not normal. Get to nearest emergency room. It was closer to 2:30pm. Nick was nslerping because he’s working nights. I told him what dr said. He quickly jumped out of bed and said let’s go. I fought him on it until 5pm. I figured maybe I didn’t eat good today. Maybe I’m just dehyydrated. And I’ll just drink water. So, he obeyed—he cooked and then I bathed for a while. When I got out the tub I was done. Went straight to my bed. He said nope let’s go. You don’t even have energy to walk further than the bathroom to bed. And if you’ve been to my home you know that’s not far.

Now we are at TRMC—-they did my vitals and immediately put a mask on me. Germs, sickness—can kill me. I have NO immune system. I had fever and elevated heart rate. After several needle stabbings the results starting coming in. I also had to do a CT scan because my symptoms were same as possible blood clot. Well, Bacterial infection came back. Fluid in lungs. And they have no idea why my heart rate is 147. They started me on antibiotics through iv and liquids. As liquids was coming through I felt better. But my heart rate wasn’t budging. EKG was done also, it looked a little enlarged but nothing abnormal. Dr. said if he admitted me they would transfer me to oschnet. And admitting is not preferred bc of all the germs and sickness in hospital. They monitored me for 3-4 hours. My heart rate came down after antibiotics and liquids was done. I left with my heart rate being 105. Dr felt like if I needed to come back I would. We left.

The thing is. No one tells you how bad this is. They don’t tell you how you will feel. Because every case is different. I just knew 4 would be hard. 3 had me down longer than 2. I didn’t know what I was experiencing was signs of a blood clot. Or heart issues. Chemo is killing the cancer right? You don’t want the chemo to kill you in the process. And just thinking of not going to ER makes me scared now. This is deadly. And it’s scary. I try not to be in public to avoid germs. And even at work I try not to get to close to my co-workers just in case. But wearing a mask is on my agenda. I just can’t breathe right now through my nose bc I am congested and my nose is full of blood. I just want to tell you guys when you’re sick stay away from chemo patients. You could kill them. I have nothing in me to fight off infection.

I’m home and I’m ok. Much better than I was last 2 days. Nick will stay home tonight from work just to be sure I’m fine. I’m trying to fight this awful cancer. I really am. I’m trying to stay in good positive places up my head. But it gets tiring with every day shit coming your way. I don’t know if you love experienced cancer like my kind in your life. But please have some sympathy for us. Our finances change. Our normalcy is Dr. visits. Medication. Chemo. Managing pills. Insurance claims. I have to make sure I eat enough when nick can’t do that and it’s hard for me. Bc cognitive issues are present with me.

Thank you all for checking up on me. Xoxo