Surviving...

  Yesterday, June 6, 2019 was the day I received my diagnosis. I was sitting in orientation with Camryn at LSU. Dr. Rau, my surgeon at that time called and told me over the phone that the pathology report reflected what we were suspicious of. I did not panic, like yesterday, it was pouring down raining. I honestly was so focused on Camryn getting to LSU's ID place to get her picture done without soaking wet hair. (funny, but if you know me, this is the truth). 
Nick was working out of state, I immediately called him, he left and drove 13 hours straight home. Everything else now seems like it happened so fast. My right hand, Jesse Wilson was there from the first appointment. Some of you know don’t know her, but she was God sent. Or, Mom sent. Maybe my Mom sent her to me. Jesse didn’t love me yet, we had just met so I knew she would steer me in the right directions. She just knew how to navigate this journey. She was everything good. She wanted to help me. And she did just that. Still does. She processed every appointment when I couldn’t. She took notes. She stayed up late at night researching treatment. Finding hope then instilling it into me. She asked questions. She texted, she called, she drove, she visited. I could never repay her or anyone else who made a mark in my journey. I’m forever indebted to you. 

   I celebrated yesterday instead of sitting on my couch reflecting. I chatted and ate with some friends and family who truly loved me through my journey. Even if it was from a distance. The love you all had for me helped me get through this. Don’t discount yourself in my journey because I don’t. You picked me up through social media through texts through food deliveries through prayers through visits and calls. I knew who I could rely on when I needed something. When I thanked my company for leaving their family to come--- a few people reminded me how inspiring I was to them. How my journey impacted their life. How some of them were so devastated they couldn’t speak about it for weeks. Heather told me it killed her to watch me be so vulnerable one afternoon because she knew how strong I was prior to this journey. She was here when Bree came with my first wig purchase. She saw the little hair I was holding onto and encouraged the look of the wig. That day I felt like I could appear normal with that wig that Bree knocked out of the park for me. Bree thanked Nick for being Nick and for relentlessly staying grounded and keeping me there too. Jessica reminded me via messenger how strong I was weekly, how incredibly proud she was of me, and how honored she was to be a part of my journey. I truly believe this journey was meant for me now. I wish it wasn't but it tested the weak person I always thought I was. It allowed me to face fears of not knowing how I would survive without a paycheck. It taught me that eliminating people out of my life was okay. It taught me that trusting was okay. It taught me that God will go before me, lead me, and not leave me. 

                                

Here’s just a run down on treatment. 

—I had Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Stage 3b 

—Her2+, progesterone+, and estrogen-   

—Cancer spread to lymph nodes under my left arm also. 

—Benign tumor on right breast. 

—I completed 6 rounds of chemo (herceptin, perjeta, carboplatin, and docetaxel). 

—Mastectomy was in Dec. 2018. Removed 13 lymph nodes (numb right upper arm now).      Removal of Tumor. 

—PET scan =Cancer Free (but we are never free of anything)

—Radiation was for 6 weeks every day Monday-Friday. 

—I’m still receiving immunotherapy every 3 weeks because I’m HER2+ & Zoladex every 4 weeks (to shut down my ovaries, & intentionally block hormone receptors) 
---I also take Tamoxifen which is an oral chemo drug for 10 years. 

—Reconstruction surgery, Aug 21st is the date.  You must wait for the body to heal completely from radiation because blood vessels have been weakened or destroyed from radiation. And, I’m doing the DIEP flap surgery. They take stomach fat to create breast with your tissue. (Tummy tuck) 

This surgery will be probably 6-8 hours. So many risk with that being under anesthesia that long is dangerous. Not to mention the tedious work of connecting blood vessels for the reconstruction. 

—Recently completed a CAT scan because my plastic surgeon needs to start the planning. So she studies the Abdomen. Well, there’s a micro-nodule on my lung. Oncologist will order a scan without contrast in 3 months or so to keep an eye on it. Everything else looks normal. 

—My oncologist wants a colonoscopy. My genetic testing in the beginning of treatment came make with undetectable mutation. Therefore, she wants to make sure colon is ok. 

—I’m tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I lost my job because I had cancer and I’m not over it. Let it happen to you and see if and when you’ll be over it. 5.5 years with this company. I’m fighting disability because apparently I’m not disabled. Let me know who’ll hire me with me doing immunotherapy every 3 weeks, Zoladex every 4 weeks, and (2) reconstruction surgeries soon. My ex-employer was notified of my diagnosis before my kids and yourself knew. I asked if I had anything to worry about so I can prepare. I was told by the director "NO" after she spoke with board president. They were willing and able to accommodate whatever was needed. When I requested leave for my mastectomy and the removal of my tumor to save my life I was told—by the way we had to back track your hours when you began treatment and you have 130 hours left of family medical leave act. And if you don’t return Dec. 27th you’ll be terminated. Because that director and board president didn’t inform me of FMLA, I lost my job. Had I known anything about FMLA hours being counted down I would of (A). Made sure I had enough time to recover from surgery to keep my job. (B). I wouldn’t have allowed Camryn to go to LSU (signed a 12 month lease for $1250) and join a sorority (1600.00 a semester). (C). I wouldn’t have let Nick buy me a new car. (D). I would of resigned because I was disabled when I was given my diagnosis. Needless to say, Dec 26th the director called and said after talking to Board President, & Vice President it was decided I was to be terminated. Now, here’s where things also get messy: there was a letter written about me that was given to the board, supervisors, and director. A staff member that I worked with for 5.5 years said, if I wasn’t let go she would quit. It was her formal resignation. I have a copy of the biased letter. Never once was I allowed to defend myself regarding the letter. But let me just say it was biased, untruthful, and definitely drama filled plain ugliness towards someone who didn't ask to get cancer. I was NEVER written up. My evaluations were good. There was no reason to terminate me but simply because they didn’t do their job on educating themselves on FMLA. And some of you will say I should of known. Ok, you get cancer and ask if there’s anything to worry about and your boss tells you no and you still know about FMLA. I didn’t know a damn thing about FMLA. Clearly the director nor the board president or anyone on the board knew either which was later admitted to me. Maybe after the letter was written and read it was an excuse to let me go. Who knows the motive. Because there was motive. But it still hurts because I loved my job. 
 

  Fuck you, Dad who never reached out to me in the last 4 years. And definitely didn’t attempt to when his daughter was diagnosed with Cancer. I have had this insecurity all my life that people didn't love me unless I was giving or doing for them. My oldest sister has proven this time and time again and it hurts. I sat at that dinner table last night and said, none of these people here have ever asked for anything from me, expected anything from me to be my friend. I missed a lot of people last night who were either on vacation, lives out of state, or couldn't make it. I wish I could of had more than what I had with me because you deserve a toast to you too. Somewhere in your life someone taught you to be a good person to someone else. 

  Nick and my children have been my constant. Without them I wouldn't have fought this battle. No one wants to go through chemotherapy, lose their hair, lose everything that made them an individual. I lost a lot through this journey, but isn't that the cycle of life? I can chose to look at this journey as a lost or as a win. And, today I chose to win. I won. I am winning. I am surviving. Cheers to you and all my love to my family and friends.