I’ve said this before...
When I was first diagnosed I went into straight FIGHT mode. (The fight-or-flight response is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival). I knew my brain would control my fight, my survival, so I stayed positive. I often pretended “I got this”, I’ve said “I’m fine”. But I also was very afraid of this... I have now gotten to a place where I’m scared. I have 7 days til reconstruction surgery. It’s a 10 plus hour surgery. I’ll be in ICU afterwards. 5-7 day hospital stay. The last time I was in surgery for 6 hours I was scared too. Nick left me so they could take me back to surgery, I cried like a baby. He’s my armor. I’m nothing without his motivation, love, or encouragement.
I never allowed myself to come out of fight mode. Therefore, I knew the fear was coming. Or, flight mode was coming if you will. I told Nick yesterday I’m canceling my surgery pushing it back to October. For god sakes, I’ll miss Masyn’s graduation from Basic Training and it’s killing me. She asked via letters if I was going. My heart is aching. She needs me there as well as her Mom. She’s my only godchild and I’ve NEVER missed anything. I can’t push my surgery back though, it’ll delay me returning to work and all around it delays recovery from cancer. Nick starts turnaround in September so he’ll be working 7 days vs 5-6 days now. He has more availability to take care of me now. I’m concerned I will need more help at home and I’m not sure what I’ll do. My stomach will be cut from side to side and I’ll have reconstruction with my breast. I mean, how the hell will I get up?
I’ve thought about if I don’t make it through this surgery. If I die. I’m so lucky to be cancer free but something will go wrong sooner or later right? Most people who have inflammatory breast cancer, stage 3b can never have reconstruction. And, bc I’m HER2 positive and that means the chances of cancer coming back is high. I completed my will the other day. Appointed someone to make legal decisions bc in the state of LA it’ll be my next of ken which is my father who doesn’t speak to me. I’m here to say if I die, y’all better not start a go fund me to bury me. And don’t share my obituary on Facebook like its news of the week. My casket will be closed so y’all can’t touch me or kiss me. Bet. I’m tying up lose ends so no one is scrambling to figure anything out just in case. It sucks. I’ll leave behind 3 heart broken people that love me unconditionally. I can’t deal. Pray for me.
Cancer takes a lot from you. And if I had to explain to you what’s it like having cancer in one word it would be “lost”. Because I’ve lost so much. Y’all know I lost my career, a career I loved. I lost family members. I lost my hair. I lost my confidence. I lost my breast. I lost my identity. And my brain is not the same. You may know someone who had cancer but have you lived with them? There’s nothing you can assume to know if you’ve never been in my shoes. Living with something that’s trying to kill you. Yes, you can feel it. At least I could. I’ve been through 6 rounds of 4 different chemo drugs. Mastectomy. 36 rounds of radiation. Still doing immunotherapy. Oral chemo pill. And now, I’m starting the reconstruction phase. There’s 2 parts to this, so I’ll have another surgery by the end of this year. And, I’m still fighting disability. Let me know who’ll hire me not being able to work 12 weeks this year. I’ll post my resume to send to them. (Insert eye-roll).
I’ve had some dark days recently and most of you have reached out to make sure I’m ok. You have no idea what that does to someone who thinks they are not loved by many. Huge insecurity I have that I’m not loved unless I’m providing something for them.
Recently I read—- humble yourself before something humbles you that you won’t like. Look at me, 36 years old with stage 3b cancer. There’s one more stage y’all. I was close to stage 4. Trust me, I haven’t always been humble. I’ve been mad at god for taking my mom at 48 years old. But, my sins have been paid for, trust. If I have it it’s yours. I’ve always forgiven people who have done really bad things to me. I truly believe it’s what saved my life because you may not see anything I do for others, but god does. I took in 4 foster kids for weeks during radiation treatment. They only left because my radiation oncologist said, no stress—if this cancer comes back you won’t survive. I beat myself up for weeks because I wanted them back. I don’t know how you foster moms survive the removals. I’ve allowed 3 extra people to live in my home for months free! I’m not trying to toot my own horn but I’ve given so much of me to others. But I would NOT change it for ANYTHING. So, when and if you bury me—you’ll bury my heart not my love. Write it on my grave.
Nick, my kids, and my best friend will be with me during my surgery time waiting in that cold ass lobby with uncomfortable chairs. Feel free to reach out to Camryn if you have her number to stay updated.
I love you for loving me. I love you for supporting me through this journey. Keep my family in your prayers, please. 💕
