7 days...

I’ve said this before...

When I was first diagnosed I went into straight FIGHT mode. (The fight-or-flight response  is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival). I knew my brain would control my fight, my survival, so I stayed positive. I often pretended “I got this”, I’ve said “I’m fine”. But I also was very afraid of this... I have now gotten to a place where I’m scared. I have 7 days til reconstruction surgery. It’s a 10 plus hour surgery. I’ll be in ICU afterwards. 5-7 day hospital stay. The last time I was in surgery for 6 hours I was scared too. Nick left me so they could take me back to surgery, I cried like a baby. He’s my armor. I’m nothing without his motivation, love, or encouragement. 

I never allowed myself to come out of fight mode. Therefore, I knew the fear was coming. Or, flight mode was coming if you will. I told Nick yesterday I’m canceling my surgery pushing it back to October. For god sakes, I’ll miss Masyn’s graduation from Basic Training and it’s killing me. She asked via letters if I was going. My heart is aching. She needs me there as well as her Mom. She’s my only godchild and I’ve NEVER missed anything. I can’t push my surgery back though, it’ll delay me returning to work and all around it delays recovery from cancer. Nick starts turnaround in September so he’ll be working 7 days vs 5-6 days now. He has more availability to take care of me now. I’m concerned I will need more help at home and I’m not sure what I’ll do. My stomach will be cut from side to side and I’ll have reconstruction with my breast. I mean, how the hell will I get up? 

I’ve thought about if I don’t make it through this surgery. If I die. I’m so lucky to be cancer free but something will go wrong sooner or later right? Most people who have inflammatory breast cancer, stage 3b can never have reconstruction. And, bc I’m HER2 positive and that means the chances of cancer coming back is high. I completed my will the other day. Appointed someone to make legal decisions bc in the state of LA it’ll be my next of ken which is my father who doesn’t speak to me. I’m here to say if I die, y’all better not start a go fund me to bury me. And don’t share my obituary on Facebook like its news of the week. My casket will be closed so y’all can’t touch me or kiss me. Bet. I’m tying up lose ends so no one is scrambling to figure anything out just in case. It sucks. I’ll leave behind 3 heart broken people that love me unconditionally. I can’t deal. Pray for me. 

Cancer takes a lot from you. And if I had to explain to you what’s it like having cancer in one word it would be “lost”. Because I’ve lost so much. Y’all know I lost my career, a career I loved. I lost family members. I lost my hair. I lost my confidence. I lost my breast. I lost my identity. And my brain is not the same. You may know someone who had cancer but have you lived with them? There’s nothing you can assume to know if you’ve never been in my shoes. Living with something that’s trying to kill you. Yes, you can feel it. At least I could. I’ve been through 6 rounds of 4 different chemo drugs. Mastectomy. 36 rounds of radiation. Still doing immunotherapy. Oral chemo pill. And now, I’m starting the reconstruction phase. There’s 2 parts to this, so I’ll have another surgery by the end of this year. And, I’m still fighting disability. Let me know who’ll hire me not being able to work 12 weeks this year. I’ll post my resume to send to them. (Insert eye-roll). 

I’ve had some dark days recently and most of you have reached out to make sure I’m ok. You have no idea what that does to someone who thinks they are not loved by many. Huge insecurity I have that I’m not loved unless I’m providing something for them. 

Recently I read—- humble yourself before something humbles you that you won’t like. Look at me, 36 years old with stage 3b cancer. There’s one more stage y’all. I was close to stage 4. Trust me, I haven’t always been humble. I’ve been mad at god for taking my mom at 48 years old. But, my sins have been paid for, trust. If I have it it’s yours. I’ve always forgiven people who have done really bad things to me. I truly believe it’s what saved my life because you may not see anything I do for others, but god does. I took in 4 foster kids for weeks during radiation treatment. They only left because my radiation oncologist said, no stress—if this cancer comes back you won’t survive. I beat myself up for weeks because I wanted them back. I don’t know how you foster moms survive the removals. I’ve allowed 3 extra people to live in my home for months free! I’m  not trying to toot my own horn but I’ve given so much of me to others. But I would NOT change it for ANYTHING. So, when and if you bury me—you’ll bury my heart not my love. Write it on my grave. 

Nick, my kids, and my best friend will be with me during my surgery time waiting in that cold ass lobby with uncomfortable chairs. Feel free to reach out to Camryn if you have her number to stay updated. 

I love you for loving me. I love you for supporting me through this journey. Keep my family in your prayers, please. 💕 

Surviving...

  Yesterday, June 6, 2019 was the day I received my diagnosis. I was sitting in orientation with Camryn at LSU. Dr. Rau, my surgeon at that time called and told me over the phone that the pathology report reflected what we were suspicious of. I did not panic, like yesterday, it was pouring down raining. I honestly was so focused on Camryn getting to LSU's ID place to get her picture done without soaking wet hair. (funny, but if you know me, this is the truth). 
Nick was working out of state, I immediately called him, he left and drove 13 hours straight home. Everything else now seems like it happened so fast. My right hand, Jesse Wilson was there from the first appointment. Some of you know don’t know her, but she was God sent. Or, Mom sent. Maybe my Mom sent her to me. Jesse didn’t love me yet, we had just met so I knew she would steer me in the right directions. She just knew how to navigate this journey. She was everything good. She wanted to help me. And she did just that. Still does. She processed every appointment when I couldn’t. She took notes. She stayed up late at night researching treatment. Finding hope then instilling it into me. She asked questions. She texted, she called, she drove, she visited. I could never repay her or anyone else who made a mark in my journey. I’m forever indebted to you. 

   I celebrated yesterday instead of sitting on my couch reflecting. I chatted and ate with some friends and family who truly loved me through my journey. Even if it was from a distance. The love you all had for me helped me get through this. Don’t discount yourself in my journey because I don’t. You picked me up through social media through texts through food deliveries through prayers through visits and calls. I knew who I could rely on when I needed something. When I thanked my company for leaving their family to come--- a few people reminded me how inspiring I was to them. How my journey impacted their life. How some of them were so devastated they couldn’t speak about it for weeks. Heather told me it killed her to watch me be so vulnerable one afternoon because she knew how strong I was prior to this journey. She was here when Bree came with my first wig purchase. She saw the little hair I was holding onto and encouraged the look of the wig. That day I felt like I could appear normal with that wig that Bree knocked out of the park for me. Bree thanked Nick for being Nick and for relentlessly staying grounded and keeping me there too. Jessica reminded me via messenger how strong I was weekly, how incredibly proud she was of me, and how honored she was to be a part of my journey. I truly believe this journey was meant for me now. I wish it wasn't but it tested the weak person I always thought I was. It allowed me to face fears of not knowing how I would survive without a paycheck. It taught me that eliminating people out of my life was okay. It taught me that trusting was okay. It taught me that God will go before me, lead me, and not leave me. 

                                

Here’s just a run down on treatment. 

—I had Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Stage 3b 

—Her2+, progesterone+, and estrogen-   

—Cancer spread to lymph nodes under my left arm also. 

—Benign tumor on right breast. 

—I completed 6 rounds of chemo (herceptin, perjeta, carboplatin, and docetaxel). 

—Mastectomy was in Dec. 2018. Removed 13 lymph nodes (numb right upper arm now).      Removal of Tumor. 

—PET scan =Cancer Free (but we are never free of anything)

—Radiation was for 6 weeks every day Monday-Friday. 

—I’m still receiving immunotherapy every 3 weeks because I’m HER2+ & Zoladex every 4 weeks (to shut down my ovaries, & intentionally block hormone receptors) 
---I also take Tamoxifen which is an oral chemo drug for 10 years. 

—Reconstruction surgery, Aug 21st is the date.  You must wait for the body to heal completely from radiation because blood vessels have been weakened or destroyed from radiation. And, I’m doing the DIEP flap surgery. They take stomach fat to create breast with your tissue. (Tummy tuck) 

This surgery will be probably 6-8 hours. So many risk with that being under anesthesia that long is dangerous. Not to mention the tedious work of connecting blood vessels for the reconstruction. 

—Recently completed a CAT scan because my plastic surgeon needs to start the planning. So she studies the Abdomen. Well, there’s a micro-nodule on my lung. Oncologist will order a scan without contrast in 3 months or so to keep an eye on it. Everything else looks normal. 

—My oncologist wants a colonoscopy. My genetic testing in the beginning of treatment came make with undetectable mutation. Therefore, she wants to make sure colon is ok. 

—I’m tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I lost my job because I had cancer and I’m not over it. Let it happen to you and see if and when you’ll be over it. 5.5 years with this company. I’m fighting disability because apparently I’m not disabled. Let me know who’ll hire me with me doing immunotherapy every 3 weeks, Zoladex every 4 weeks, and (2) reconstruction surgeries soon. My ex-employer was notified of my diagnosis before my kids and yourself knew. I asked if I had anything to worry about so I can prepare. I was told by the director "NO" after she spoke with board president. They were willing and able to accommodate whatever was needed. When I requested leave for my mastectomy and the removal of my tumor to save my life I was told—by the way we had to back track your hours when you began treatment and you have 130 hours left of family medical leave act. And if you don’t return Dec. 27th you’ll be terminated. Because that director and board president didn’t inform me of FMLA, I lost my job. Had I known anything about FMLA hours being counted down I would of (A). Made sure I had enough time to recover from surgery to keep my job. (B). I wouldn’t have allowed Camryn to go to LSU (signed a 12 month lease for $1250) and join a sorority (1600.00 a semester). (C). I wouldn’t have let Nick buy me a new car. (D). I would of resigned because I was disabled when I was given my diagnosis. Needless to say, Dec 26th the director called and said after talking to Board President, & Vice President it was decided I was to be terminated. Now, here’s where things also get messy: there was a letter written about me that was given to the board, supervisors, and director. A staff member that I worked with for 5.5 years said, if I wasn’t let go she would quit. It was her formal resignation. I have a copy of the biased letter. Never once was I allowed to defend myself regarding the letter. But let me just say it was biased, untruthful, and definitely drama filled plain ugliness towards someone who didn't ask to get cancer. I was NEVER written up. My evaluations were good. There was no reason to terminate me but simply because they didn’t do their job on educating themselves on FMLA. And some of you will say I should of known. Ok, you get cancer and ask if there’s anything to worry about and your boss tells you no and you still know about FMLA. I didn’t know a damn thing about FMLA. Clearly the director nor the board president or anyone on the board knew either which was later admitted to me. Maybe after the letter was written and read it was an excuse to let me go. Who knows the motive. Because there was motive. But it still hurts because I loved my job. 
 

  Fuck you, Dad who never reached out to me in the last 4 years. And definitely didn’t attempt to when his daughter was diagnosed with Cancer. I have had this insecurity all my life that people didn't love me unless I was giving or doing for them. My oldest sister has proven this time and time again and it hurts. I sat at that dinner table last night and said, none of these people here have ever asked for anything from me, expected anything from me to be my friend. I missed a lot of people last night who were either on vacation, lives out of state, or couldn't make it. I wish I could of had more than what I had with me because you deserve a toast to you too. Somewhere in your life someone taught you to be a good person to someone else. 

  Nick and my children have been my constant. Without them I wouldn't have fought this battle. No one wants to go through chemotherapy, lose their hair, lose everything that made them an individual. I lost a lot through this journey, but isn't that the cycle of life? I can chose to look at this journey as a lost or as a win. And, today I chose to win. I won. I am winning. I am surviving. Cheers to you and all my love to my family and friends.

Treatment update

I know some of you are confused when you see me posting pictures in that chemo room. Well, here is where I am. I’m cancer free right? After chemo we did surgery on 12/4 and that went really well. Pathology report was what they call complete, which means cancer free. No cancer cells left behind. It couldn’t have been any more perfect.

I met with my team which includes oncologist, plastic surgeon, and oncology surgeon everything is healing well and they are all blown away on how well things look. Expanders were placed to hold the space for reconstruction in the near future. Expanders symbolize an implant. The difference is, the plastic surgeon fills the explanders with fluid until I am comfortable with the size. Fills are done every 2 weeks. I’ve only completed 2 because I’m just comfortable where I am. Buttoning a button down shirt is life! The fills don’t hurt it’s actually pretty amazing how this stuff works.

After meeting with my oncologist she’s decided to do radiation to seal the deal. To just burn off anything that could of been left behind. And to make sure the cancer doesn’t return. Remember, I have inflammatory breast cancer it grows fast and quickly—very aggressive. I will need 33 rounds of radiation. Radiation is given daily, 5 days a week and it takes approximately 30 minutes. I decided to do radiation in Houma simply because driving to Nola every day alone is too much for me. Besides, the mileage on my car would be wild! I met with radiation oncologist in Houma weeks ago and treatment will begin this week. I completed my trial run today. They do a practice run to make sure all your measurements on your body is right so that the machine can be calculated to you to give the radiation. The radiation dr did fully warn me that I will burn and my last 8 sessions will be rough. I’m sure he said he was gonna try to kill me (just joking). However, he told me my skin will change, my breast will shrink, my skin will have discoloration, sore throat because the radiation goes right under the clavical. Not looking forward to this process at all. Chemo, I could have Nick besides me. Radiation I’m in a room alone being told how to breathe by a robot. Holding my breath for 30 seconds is hard too.

Along with radiation I must do Herceptin every month for 10 months. This is what I go to the chemo room for. Here’s my hormone results to my cancer and what it means. ESTROGENE NEGATIVE. PROGESTERONE POSITIVE. HER2 POSITIVE.

Hormone status of breast cancers includes:

• Estrogen receptor (ER) positive. The cells of this type of breast cancer have receptors that allow them to use the hormone estrogen to grow. Treatment with anti-estrogen hormone (endocrine) therapy can block the growth of the cancer cells.
• Progesterone receptor (PR) positive. This type of breast cancer is sensitive to progesterone, and the cells have receptors that allow them to use this hormone to grow. Treatment with endocrine therapy blocks the growth of the cancer cells.
•  HER2 gene. Cancer cells that have too many copies of the HER2 gene (HER2-positive cancers) produce too much of the growth-promoting protein called HER2. Targeted therapy drugs are available to shut down the HER2 protein, thus slowing the growth and killing these cancer cells.

To treat the HER 2 positive I must do the immunotherapy with herceptin monthly. To treat progesterone I have to take letrozole which is an oral chemo drug. Daily for 10 years. Yes, 10 years. The side effects with this drug is scary. Heart attack, which is why I’m suppose to take an aspirin a day. It weakens the bones which I already have from chemo so it’ll get worse. The weakness right now is being addressed in physical therapy. Along with the tightness under my arm and numbness. That’s caused from the lymph nodes being removed during surgery. I started letrozole today. Radiation is delayed tomorrow due to my expander shifting. I’ll see my plastic surgeon tomorrow to see if she can adjust it without surgery. If so, my first radiation will be Wednesday.

This treatment seems like a lot but I’m doing ok adjusting to all of this. Because the other side of it isn’t so interesting to me. I must just follow doctor’s orders. I bounce from appointment to appointment, phone calls, messages on my portal, medication dosage, etc.

It’s difficult to accept that I am cancer free when I’m continuing treatment. I still see the cancer. The hair loss, the chemo bloatness, breast removal, loss of eyelashes, etc. The mirror still terrifies me. But, my life was spared for what reason I’m not sure yet but I will figure it out.

Thanks for reading! I’ll update soon. ❤️❤️💞🥊