So, remember me saying chemo 4 would be tough. It’s just what google says. It’s not told to you by doctors. But, I know the more chemo in your body the harder it is to bounce back. That was no lie told.
Monday, I was putting clothes in washer and I was exhausted. I started breathing really hard like I was almost hyperventilating. I kept doing deep breathes to calm myself down and to catch my breath. I went check the mail and that did me in. I messaged my oncologist. And asked if this was normal. My gosh, I do have poison in my body. Maybe it’s just the chemo. She sent back a reply and said this is not normal. Get to nearest emergency room. It was closer to 2:30pm. Nick was nslerping because he’s working nights. I told him what dr said. He quickly jumped out of bed and said let’s go. I fought him on it until 5pm. I figured maybe I didn’t eat good today. Maybe I’m just dehyydrated. And I’ll just drink water. So, he obeyed—he cooked and then I bathed for a while. When I got out the tub I was done. Went straight to my bed. He said nope let’s go. You don’t even have energy to walk further than the bathroom to bed. And if you’ve been to my home you know that’s not far.
Now we are at TRMC—-they did my vitals and immediately put a mask on me. Germs, sickness—can kill me. I have NO immune system. I had fever and elevated heart rate. After several needle stabbings the results starting coming in. I also had to do a CT scan because my symptoms were same as possible blood clot. Well, Bacterial infection came back. Fluid in lungs. And they have no idea why my heart rate is 147. They started me on antibiotics through iv and liquids. As liquids was coming through I felt better. But my heart rate wasn’t budging. EKG was done also, it looked a little enlarged but nothing abnormal. Dr. said if he admitted me they would transfer me to oschnet. And admitting is not preferred bc of all the germs and sickness in hospital. They monitored me for 3-4 hours. My heart rate came down after antibiotics and liquids was done. I left with my heart rate being 105. Dr felt like if I needed to come back I would. We left.
The thing is. No one tells you how bad this is. They don’t tell you how you will feel. Because every case is different. I just knew 4 would be hard. 3 had me down longer than 2. I didn’t know what I was experiencing was signs of a blood clot. Or heart issues. Chemo is killing the cancer right? You don’t want the chemo to kill you in the process. And just thinking of not going to ER makes me scared now. This is deadly. And it’s scary. I try not to be in public to avoid germs. And even at work I try not to get to close to my co-workers just in case. But wearing a mask is on my agenda. I just can’t breathe right now through my nose bc I am congested and my nose is full of blood. I just want to tell you guys when you’re sick stay away from chemo patients. You could kill them. I have nothing in me to fight off infection.
I’m home and I’m ok. Much better than I was last 2 days. Nick will stay home tonight from work just to be sure I’m fine. I’m trying to fight this awful cancer. I really am. I’m trying to stay in good positive places up my head. But it gets tiring with every day shit coming your way. I don’t know if you love experienced cancer like my kind in your life. But please have some sympathy for us. Our finances change. Our normalcy is Dr. visits. Medication. Chemo. Managing pills. Insurance claims. I have to make sure I eat enough when nick can’t do that and it’s hard for me. Bc cognitive issues are present with me.
Thank you all for checking up on me. Xoxo
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
July 31st I shaved my head. Yep, I did. I was tired. I was sick. I could no longer brush it without keeping any hair on my head. I held onto my hair until I couldn't anymore. I needed it to happen that way because I wanted to know I wasn't the lucky one who gets to keep her hair during chemo.
I was so relieved because my hair detaching from my scalp, didn't feel good. I wore a turban wrapped around my head for a few days around the house mainly not to shock everyone. But, lately I have been walking around the house with just my bald head. I'm sure it's difficult for others to see me this way but this is my new normal. Y'all gonna get over it. I avoid mirrors because I see this ugly bald head looking at me and it reminds me--NICOLE, YOU HAVE CANCER!
August 16th I had my 3rd round of chemo. Dr. Du is really impressed with the way chemo is working with the mass. The mass is significantly smaller and softer. Which is a WIN WIN. But, I will need all 6 rounds of chemo. Dr. Du will not re scan me to check for accurate progress. The only scan I'll get is prior to surgery with Dr. Mackey which is my oncology surgeon. I may not need all 6 rounds but they don't want any regrets with ending chemo early. Which I agree! As difficult as chemo is, I don't want regret. Each chemo is lasting longer with side effects and the side effects are worse. I almost threw up a few days after chemo. I fought it. It was rough. The nausea was much more intense this time. I honestly don't know how some people do way more treatments than me. Physically and emotionally it takes a toll on you.
I am tired. I just want to sleep most days. But post chemo, I am at work. The days here seem long and I don't have enough quality of life anymore.
Camryn is all moved into her new apartment and she has sorority sisters now. I am relieved about this. She needs friends to navigate college life with but most importantly she needs those friendships. I won't be able to attend the parent dinner for her sorority because it's 2 days after my chemo. I know this hurts her heart, and it does mine too but I can't change it. Trust me, these are the times I know I will suck as a parent. Jacob needs constant supervision with grades or it’ll get out of control quick. And I’m tired of being on his case. He doesn’t say too much about anything. Maybe it’s just his way of coping. Just not knowing details is better for him. He is a the child that hurts for me and Camryn is the one who wants to fight for me.
Nick has been amazing during this journey. He picks up all the slack. And doesn’t complain usually. After chemo is he my cheerleader. Reminding me I can do this. I will beat this. I seriously doubt I could do this without him. I often think how will I ever repay him for this? He wakes me up in the middle of the night to keep me on nausea medication. He knows my medicine routine better than I do. Nick is surely my life line at this point.
Phone calls and texts have slowed down a bit maybe because it's old news or people are just busy with their busy lives too. I get it. I'm not holding any grudges. I'm doing ok, I just wish the process would go a lot quicker. Going 3 weeks in between appointments really messes with you. Because I don't feel like I have cancer the week prior or the week post chemo. Then I go to chemo and I'm like yep, I hate this part. I remember last chemo I told Nick, I can't do this anymore. Of course, he reminds me yes you can. You are doing amazing. You are brave. You are strong. You will beat this. I know all of this is true but man does it suck!
My chemo #4 is tomorrow and I am getting anxious about it. I heard chemo 4 is a tough round of chemo I don't know why...maybe because the more chemo in your body the harder it is to overcome? I did blood work on Friday because the nose bleeds are now a lot. But my levels were fine and I was sent home for the day. Having nose bleeds is a side effect to chemo.
So, number 4 tomorrow then I will have 2 more to go. Surgery will come after 4-6 weeks after my last round of chemo. That 4-6 week window will allow my body to bounce back to my normal levels and be able to recover from surgery as a healthy some what person. Then radiation will begin. I am not sure how many rounds of radiation I will need but hopefully not many. The aftercare is 10 years for me. I will have to continue some sort of pill regimen or iv therapy.
I was so relieved because my hair detaching from my scalp, didn't feel good. I wore a turban wrapped around my head for a few days around the house mainly not to shock everyone. But, lately I have been walking around the house with just my bald head. I'm sure it's difficult for others to see me this way but this is my new normal. Y'all gonna get over it. I avoid mirrors because I see this ugly bald head looking at me and it reminds me--NICOLE, YOU HAVE CANCER!
August 16th I had my 3rd round of chemo. Dr. Du is really impressed with the way chemo is working with the mass. The mass is significantly smaller and softer. Which is a WIN WIN. But, I will need all 6 rounds of chemo. Dr. Du will not re scan me to check for accurate progress. The only scan I'll get is prior to surgery with Dr. Mackey which is my oncology surgeon. I may not need all 6 rounds but they don't want any regrets with ending chemo early. Which I agree! As difficult as chemo is, I don't want regret. Each chemo is lasting longer with side effects and the side effects are worse. I almost threw up a few days after chemo. I fought it. It was rough. The nausea was much more intense this time. I honestly don't know how some people do way more treatments than me. Physically and emotionally it takes a toll on you.
I am tired. I just want to sleep most days. But post chemo, I am at work. The days here seem long and I don't have enough quality of life anymore.
Camryn is all moved into her new apartment and she has sorority sisters now. I am relieved about this. She needs friends to navigate college life with but most importantly she needs those friendships. I won't be able to attend the parent dinner for her sorority because it's 2 days after my chemo. I know this hurts her heart, and it does mine too but I can't change it. Trust me, these are the times I know I will suck as a parent. Jacob needs constant supervision with grades or it’ll get out of control quick. And I’m tired of being on his case. He doesn’t say too much about anything. Maybe it’s just his way of coping. Just not knowing details is better for him. He is a the child that hurts for me and Camryn is the one who wants to fight for me.
Nick has been amazing during this journey. He picks up all the slack. And doesn’t complain usually. After chemo is he my cheerleader. Reminding me I can do this. I will beat this. I seriously doubt I could do this without him. I often think how will I ever repay him for this? He wakes me up in the middle of the night to keep me on nausea medication. He knows my medicine routine better than I do. Nick is surely my life line at this point.
Phone calls and texts have slowed down a bit maybe because it's old news or people are just busy with their busy lives too. I get it. I'm not holding any grudges. I'm doing ok, I just wish the process would go a lot quicker. Going 3 weeks in between appointments really messes with you. Because I don't feel like I have cancer the week prior or the week post chemo. Then I go to chemo and I'm like yep, I hate this part. I remember last chemo I told Nick, I can't do this anymore. Of course, he reminds me yes you can. You are doing amazing. You are brave. You are strong. You will beat this. I know all of this is true but man does it suck!
My chemo #4 is tomorrow and I am getting anxious about it. I heard chemo 4 is a tough round of chemo I don't know why...maybe because the more chemo in your body the harder it is to overcome? I did blood work on Friday because the nose bleeds are now a lot. But my levels were fine and I was sent home for the day. Having nose bleeds is a side effect to chemo.
So, number 4 tomorrow then I will have 2 more to go. Surgery will come after 4-6 weeks after my last round of chemo. That 4-6 week window will allow my body to bounce back to my normal levels and be able to recover from surgery as a healthy some what person. Then radiation will begin. I am not sure how many rounds of radiation I will need but hopefully not many. The aftercare is 10 years for me. I will have to continue some sort of pill regimen or iv therapy.
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