Flashing caution yellow lights...

Proceed with caution is how you see me now...

Look, I’m in a dark dark place in my mind way in the back corner. It’s ugly, frightening, and simply not a place I should be. But I’m there. I’m trying to find a way out. There’s light somewhere, right? You don’t know. Neither do I. But I want it to be very near does that count?

I self sabotaged my treatment today. Yep, you heard me. I allowed my fears to win. I didn’t go to treatment. You’ll never understand this. Sure, my kids need me. But I’m telling you my fears are overwhelming me. My fight has shifted. The strong girl you call me she’s not here. I’m not brave either. This is just what I have to do to stay alive. Listen to the doctors. Obey their orders. That’s my fighting chance because the alternative sucks. And I rebelled today. Imagine that.

People with cancer are suppose to be heroic. I’m fighting a disease that terrifies you. Shit, it’s terrifying me. You often think if she can get cancer, so can I. I’m 36 years old. It doesn’t discriminate y’all.

I hate depending on others. I hate it. There’s nothing fun about being vulnerable. I honestly believe that vulnerability gets you hurt so very easily. I mean, y’all read my last blog. I’m annoyed at your suggestions when you are just trying to help. No one knows the right things to say. But who the hell does? And now every one approaches me like you approach a flashing caution light. I’m sorry.  Forgive me.

Someone asked me. Are you pushing people away because you are afraid if something happens to you they will hurt too much? I said no. I’m pushing them away to protect myself. I do this in life. I never allow people to get too close to me. I keep everyone at arms reach. I don’t trust anyone. They say, trust god. His scars are proof you are loved more than you know. I know he loves me. Sometimes it’s just hard to feel it. The people who are suppose to love me unconditionally like my family failed me more times than I can count. Don’t get it twisted I never claimed to carry a halo above my head.

My hair is much thinner. I barely have anything left. I haven’t washed it in a few days bc the little I have will just fall out. It’s not greasy, calm down. Flip side, I don’t have to shave my legs or arm pits. This is hard. I don’t want my kids to see me daily without hair and be reminded of the ugly truth—their mom has cancer. Camryn especially can’t talk about my hair. I’m encouraging her to blog but she’s in so much despair right now. Nothing is making sense to her as she types. We are all going through emotions. And I honestly don’t know how to manage them all and take care of me. I’m a very self aware person. I prepped most steps of this journey. I started buying hair wraps early into diagnosis. I researched wigs early on too. Because I am vain. This is me.

I’m broken right now, but that’s how light will get in. I hope.

I have Cancer, ok?

  It slapped me in the face this morning, cancer that is. Today, I got up around 7:30am and took a shower. As I was washing my hair, some of it was falling. I knew this was the beginning I have been dreading since day 1 of my diagnosis. I got out of the shower and did my makeup with my hair wet. After I started brushing my hair I looked at my brush with an excessive amount of hair in it. And, my hair was coming out by the hand full at this point. I thought to myself, ok lock me up I'm going to lose my shit now. I was alone in my bathroom and I thought ok, I could cry but no one would hear me and no one can stop this from happening. So what's the point? I did what I could to make my hair look decent because I must work today. It's tough driving here all by myself with just my thoughts. Because every emotion is busting at the seams. I walk in, and I sit in my office with no sunlight (bc we have no windows) which makes me more depressed. It sucks. 
                                                   
  I ordered one wig that I loved in the photo but of course when you put it on it doesn't look like you. It's full, big, bulky, and the bangs look ridiculous. I see why most women just walk around with wraps on their head. The process of buying a wig is scary and I have zero knowledge of wig purchases. Lace front, frontals, bands, adhesive, etc. You know what that means? Neither do I. No one is out here saying hey Nicole, this is what you need. There are no shops in this area that specialize in hair loss at least I haven't found one yet. The closest I found was in New York and good god their wigs look real but their price tag isn't for the cancer budget ladies. Thankfully, Bree is working on the wig I did purchase and I hope it will work. She always seems to be there in my worse situations, and I love her for it. She gets it, she really does. She is also extremely busy and she does what she can to see me. Not because I have cancer, but because she gets it like I said.

  I'm not blogging for you guys to give me advice, I'm not. I'm not blogging for you to tell me to grab a peppermint when I'm sick. Or, to tell me to take a damn vitamin. Or, to ask me to reach out to your friend that had the same damn cancer as me.  No cancer is the same. No one is going through what I am going through. I am blogging because it's therapeutic for me. And, stop sharing my blog on your damn page. I hate when you guys do that. I am sharing with you on my page because you are my friend. Trust me, I know it's a blog and it's public but if I wanted it to be shared I would say so or put it public not on private settings. I've got a lot of new friends request lately. I don't even know you but I accepted your request because either you are nosey or you care. But, damn introduce yourself first. As you can tell, I'm irritable. Yesterday I stayed home from work because I just needed to be. I wanted to lay in my bed and not worry about a thing. It didn't work out so well, but at least my bed is comfortable. And, I'm telling you if I could hide under a rock for the next year I would and I know I will try my best to.

  Today is Nick's birthday, the day I started to lose my hair. How memorable right? I can't be happy today because it's hard. I'm stuck in this cloud of fog from chemo to hair loss. I just can't get it together. Bare with me people, I'm trying really hard for my kids and Nick. They need me. But I'm losing my shit today bc I have cancer, ok?

Venting.

I'm aggravated. I feel like I have cancer one day and other days I don't. I am freaking miserable. It's like waiting for a gender reveal, or waiting for your test scores to post online. The devil comes and says you have to pass through this fire for 7 days and I'll be back to get you to do this all over again real soon.
 Meanwhile, the part that will break you of losing your hair will be torture. You don't know when it'll happen, but it will. It will literally happen overnight, then what? It's a struggle to come to work now, it's hard for me to focus. I'm tired. I can't concentrate on multiple things. And my every thought is cancer and my body feels like jello. I came to work Tuesday, and couldn't stay all day because I was tired. But, you know why? Because I forgot to eat. Makes any sense? No, but I did forget. I went home and slept and returned this morning. Someone said how are you feeling, I said tired, she says...you look tired. I'm fucking trying here. I am. Appreciate the honesty though. It's the weirdest thing. I am cold at night, and then I wake up sweating like as if the a/c broke overnight. I go to bed every night hoping to just fall asleep quickly but I don't. My mind races and it won't shut off. When I finally fall asleep I wake myself from my body jumping. I hear the alarm go off and it's hard for me to remember what day it is and instead of reaching for my phone to shut it off, I reach for my hair to make sure it's still there. I can't even tell you how much this will devastate me. It will take my identity, it will rob me of beauty. I will be more self-conscious than I ever was before. I will get those stares in public like omg, look at her. And, I hate it when people stare, you are so rude when you do that. I brought Jacob to the DMV on Monday and Crystal stood in line for us to go through Express Lane. The lady knew I didn't feel very good and was going through chemo. So, when we got up to her desk Crystal saw that I needed to sit. So she grabbed the neighbors chair and then the mean lady behind the desk said: "ma'am you're going to need to get up, I need that for my next client". But, she had 2 chairs for her next client I didn't leave her without a chair. So, I said ok. You can have your chair back. And, I stood. I got through it standing but my gosh, have some compassion for people. DMW workers are the meanest people ever. She knew I had just received chemo because I told her so when I got up for her next client that just needed 1 damn chair, not 2.
Someone at Nick's job asked, "did they started putting that poison in your wife's body yet?" I ain't doing this with y'all today. Stop. You sound like an uneducated person, k? I'll spare you the details on how Nick handled that.
One of the nights after having chemo I remember Nick feeding me by a spoon. I’m just remembering it. He was crying. I couldn’t console him I was trying to chew my food and swallow it which was a struggle because I just wanted to puke. Nick is my armour. He wants to reverse roles. I don’t know if you have someone like Nick in your life but ladies, when you find him. Keep him for the good times and bad times. Through sickness and health. Because this cancer will try my relationship. It will scar us. It will test us. And my God, will it force us to come out of our comfort zones. I have no doubt our relationship is strong and can outlast any diagnosis.
The week of chemo is hell and waiting for my next chemo date forces you to be nothing but anxious 24/7. I went out in public twice with this port taped up on my neck. I came home today and asked Nick if he thought people might think I was shooting heroin up my neck. He laughed. Because I care. I care what people think. I won’t buy him beer anywhere bc don’t want the cashier to think I drink.
Some of y’all have said I wanted to check on you but didn’t want to bother you. Ummm, k. Not going there either. I’m thanking god for Nick, Cam, J being consistent. Jesse and Crystal for texting daily to see if there’s anything they can do to make my day easier. And shout out to the MVP-my father for not reaching out to his daughter that was diagnosed with cancer.

The first 7 days...

It’s been 7 days since my first round of chemo. Monday— Nick and I arrived at Ochsner at 7:30am and left at 3pm. Since I’m getting 4 different medicines it takes a while. Each medicine is about 1.5 hours. Herceptin was the second drug which gave me the most horrible headache I’ve ever experienced. They gave me medicine and it eventually subsided. The chemo room wasn’t as scary as I anticipated. The staff was super sweet to us and wanted to get me whatever I needed but Nick beat them to the punch every time. The experience wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. There’s definitely strangers on the other side of the curtain but there’s a sense of peace in the room. No tears, no bitterness, etc.

So, countdown to the side effects of the chemo drugs. Nausea, bone pain, headache, it’s like you have the flu just 5,675,599 times more. This shit isn’t fun. At some point Wednesday I remember saying I don’t know how many more days I can do this. The bone pain is from the neulasta shot they put on your arm to inject you a day after chemo treatment. The bone pain feels like I just climbed Mount Everest completely out of shape.

Today, I’m a little less nauseated and I can get out of bed briefly. I just get hot flashes so I prefer to be in my bed with a fan blowing in my face. I just keep thinking will these side effects go away? Dr. Du said I should feel ok by 2nd week and 3rd post week of chemo I should be back to my normal levels. Let’s hope this is the case.

I’m still very much so bruised. I have steri strips everywhere that hasn’t come off yet. It looks so awful.

Fourth of July passed, I watched you guys visit family and cook. I was a bit envious. We really take our health for granted most times. I don’t feel like I have a lot of family but the ones I do have really know how to make me feel thought of, loved, and prayed for.

My brain is a bit foggy. I asked Nick to get me my conditioner from the shower. And for the life of me I couldn’t say shower. If you’ve texted me and I didn’t respond please don’t stop texting or feel offended. I read them it’s just sometimes I don’t have the energy to pick up my phone and respond.

I’m just so very tired. Sleeping on my cold floor of my bathroom would be so heavenly.

My next chemo round is July 23rd. I have to have 6 rounds total. Afterwards, my body recooperates for 4-6 weeks and gets prepared for major surgery. I’m removing both breast. Genetic testing might make that decision for me but I’m comfortable saying right now. Remove them both. The chances of it reoccurring when I’m 50 is too high. Genetic testing will determine if my Mom carried the same gene. After surgery then I will start radiation. The projected plan is probably to be done by Feb. 2019.

Every morning I wake up and think it was all just a bad dream. But here I am with stage 2A breast cancer at 36 years old.

 I still have people calling my family, texting or messaging me what I should be doing. No sugar, etc. Stop it right now. You’re not helping me. You’re overwhelming  me with you doctorate from Facebook/google.

The meal train has been excellent. Thank you all who are praying and thinking of me. ❤️💞🥊💁🏼‍♀️💕

The scariest moment is always just before you start....

So, from the beginning....

I found a lump in May, 2018 my breast was bulging out of my bra on the left side. Because I've had fibroid cyst before I thought this would be the same thing. I mean, I am 36 years old no way it could be anything different. Fast forward to June 1st the day of my diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. TGMC staff has the worse poker faces y'all. I knew before I left that it was cancer. They didn't come out and say "Nicole, it's cancer" but those faces assured me this was way more than just a cyst.

After my biopsy the pathology report came in on June 11th. Dr. Rau told me over the phone that it was what he suspected all along, cancer. I remember lingering in the halls of LSU waiting on Camryn to come take her LSU ID card photo when I got the call. It was raining that day, I knew it was a sign from my Mom. She was sad. When I was little my great-great grandfather use to tell us that when it rains heaven is crying. I knew I had to look at Camryn and be ok and I was, I was fine. No tears fell. I called Nick, and he drove 17 hours from Ohio where he was working to come home. The next day Dr. Rau scheduled me to come in to go over the pathology report.

The pathology report was very foreign to me. I didn't understand it but what I understood was that it was Stage 2 or 3 and it was Invasive Mammary Carcinoma, Favorable Ductal Type. If you know anything about Breast Cancer then this will make sense to you. I am ER negative, PgR positive, and HER2 positive. One of the positives in this diagnosis is that they know what's feeding this cancer, therefore they know how to kill it. But here's the catch if you google HER2 positive there's no blogs that will tell you that is a good diagnosis. HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that test positive for protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells have a gene mutation that makes an excess of the HER2 protein. HER2-positive breast cancer tend to be more aggressive than other types of breast cancer. They're less likely to be sensitive to hormone therapy, though many people with HER2-positive breast cancer can still benefit from hormone therapy.

Next step was to start meeting with my team. This was unnecessarily, stupidly, stressful. Mary Bird Perkins would not schedule me fast enough. Still pisses me off. I fought tooth and nail for an appointment, I felt nothing short than a bother to Mary Bird Perkins. I took matters into my own hands and called Ochsner, they scheduled me within 48 hours, June 18th (surgeon oncologist) and June 19th (oncologist). MD Anderson scheduled me quickly also, it was impressive and they were so kind over the phone. I ultimately choose Ochsner because I loved my Surgeon Oncologist, Dr. Aimee Mackey. She was so damn thorough even Nick understood everything she was saying. She picked apart my pathology report. Did a visual diagram for me and stayed physically very close to me making sure I knew what she meant. She told me everything my oncologist would tell me. After I meet with Dr. Du Lingling I was assured that Ochsner could treat me. They would be my team. Dr. Du is amazing also, that appointment was a bit of a blur to me. I walked into the room where we would meet her which is the same hall you walk to get to the chemo room. I saw ladies with no hair hooked up to machines receiving their chemo, it was a fucking kick in my gut. I was terrified but no one knew. I withheld my fears. I remember Dr. Du saying you can't work for a week after chemo and you will lose your hair. I knew all of this but it still hits you differently when your oncologist is telling you the harsh reality of this. Hair? No big deal? Don't even get me started on that...you go shave your head...go ahead, I'll wait. Dr. Du gave me paperwork on all the drugs she would be giving me. She called in all my scripts for me that day also. I remember thinking why she sending all my scripts now it's not like I'm starting chemo tomorrow? Walgreens started calling my phone saying my scripts were ready, I was like y'all gonna wait because I'm not ready. And, I'm still not ready and today is the day before chemo starts. I'll never be ready I don't think anyway. Dr. Du told me I would start chemo within the next week or two.
Here's what Dr. Mackey drew out for me, it'll probably be foreign to you. But some of you are medically inclined.

We were only aware of the one mass on the left breast right? Dr. Mackey found not only another lump on my left breast but also found one on my right. So, a series of different test over the week to find out exactly what I'm fighting. So, I put my tennis shoes on because it's go time. June 25- June 29th my series of test was done. 6/25-PET scan-that came back with no cancer in my bones or liver. But, positive for cancer in 2 lymph nodes on left side along with mass on left breast. 6/27-MRI of breast there's a second mass on the left breast along with the first one and the 2 lymph nodes. 6/28-Biopsy confirmed lymph nodes positive for cancer but the second tumor found, positive for cancer Stage 2A. They believe the second tumor is connected to the first one, it just spread. So, overall it's 8.2cm (about the size of a baseball). The right breast cyst is about 18mm. 6/29-PORT install and Echo of my heart. All went well. I could elaborate about this port install but I will say it was fucking scary. I kid you not. I was under twilight sedation and I remember everything. I just wanted someone to hold my hand but nobody did I couldn't even see anyone. Puts tears in my eyes just thinking about that damn procedure. Here's a picture of my port it pulls my skin and it's the most annoying thing ever.

What about me, personally? I'm ok. I think I went into "fight mode" when I was diagnosed. Here's a little bit of my work coming out...Stress experts around the world are adding the word freeze to the name in deference to the fact that instead of fighting or fleeing, sometimes we tend to freeze (like a deer in the headlights) in traumatic situations. The fight or flight response (in its original form) is about survival. So, I'm trying to survive, I want to live. I have kids. Camryn is 17 and starting her first year at LSU in August. I am so excited for her, this is a huge accomplishment in itself. When I told my children, I assured them both NOTHING would change for them. Camryn is going to LSU, and Jacob will move forward this year with braces, permit, and then his license. Jacob is 15 and is still quiet, reserved, and funny. Nick, oh my heart....be still for a second. God couldn't have put a better man in my life to go through this with. My love grows for him daily, he allows himself to be the punching bag I need most days, he keeps me fed with all my favorite food, and is connected to my hip more than Mila is. (lol)

I have a brave face y'all I'm not afraid of much except death and something happening to the people I love. I can handle this fight. I borrow fights from people that don't want to fight. I got it, no worries. What I don't want is for my children to fight too. I don't want this for them. I've been there as a daughter with my Mom. It was scary, unimaginable scary but I was also 26 when my Mom died not 17 or 15 years old. My Mom's death changed me. I don't want this fight for me to change my kids. I don't want the resentment to set in. I don't want them to blame God. I don't want them to loose faith. I don't want them to be afraid of showing their emotions or their fears because of me. 

Cancer is so scary. Why? Because you could die, stupid question, right?

Cancer is scary because it is so familiar. It's not that everyone knows someone who's had cancer, it's that everyone knows someone who has died of cancer. When I told my children I had cancer I saw their brains going to the thoughts of their Nana dying. The emotions from their reaction is raw. I won't share their experience but I'll never forget it. Just for a second close your eyes and imagine your children whaling crying.  And, I feel like I did this to them. Trust me, I know I didn't. It's just the way I feel right now. 

Cancer is a thief. It steals you away. It will steal everything from me that makes me, me. Bit by bit. My hair, my energy, my image, my sense of taste. That's just so rude. No makeup will cover the pale look I'll have. Or the bags under my eyes, I could try some expensive shit but it won't shift the look. No one will agree that I look like someone who lives under a bridge but I'll know. You'll tell me that my wig looks real. You'll tell me I look great. You'll even tell me how strong I am. Look, I get it. It's the right things to say. Cancer will stay with me for the rest of my life. Even if I beat this monster I will live with the fear of it returning for the rest of my life. Just because I seem incredibly brave, doesn't mean I am not scared shitless. K?

Cheers to starting fucking chemo tomorrow.