It's been a while and so much has happened. I think I am still processing it all. I often wonder if I've processed most of this nightmare.
My plate is full. What you forget when you have cancer is that nothing stops and I want it to on most days. I am constantly juggling things such as appointments, medication, more appointments, waiting for results, working, keeping up with Camryn at LSU, keeping up with Jacob at home. All while trying to stay healthy enough to keep this process going. I don't know how I've managed that so far. Life has been quite challenging to say the least.
I forgot that my children were affected by my diagnosis. Terrible Mom, I know. I heard the signs of Camryn and Jacob being in distress, I ignored them because I didn't have the energy. I learned a few weekends ago that Jacob thinks I'm dying. Imagine being 16 years old and finding out your Mom has cancer. Even though I explained to my children that I was not given a death sentence they STILL processed my diagnosis on their perceptions. The difference between Camryn and Jacob is, Jacob lives with me. He sees Nick taking care of me most of my days, he sees my bald head. He see's the tiredness. Camryn just worries constantly because she isn't home. She comes home when she can, and never wants to leave. When my Mom was diagnosed I remember pleading with God to give it to me not her. Let me die, not my Mom she deserved this life more than me. I remember begging in a church pew weekly. I read Camryn's blog and she is too begging to switch places with me. That's tough pill to swallow as a Mom, it keeps me up at night.
I hate what this cancer has done to my kids. It was my worse fear in the beginning if you remember. I didn't want my kids to be affected. And, I'm just so tired. I am tired of checking in on Camryn ALL day long because I'm worried about her. I feel bad that Jacob is trying to academically over achieve because he knows that good grades make me happy.
So, my last chemo was Oct. 18th. But that was just my last chemo of 4 drugs. My chemo/immunotherapy drugs, herceptin and perjeta won't stop for another year. I'll have those drugs through my port once a month for a year.
I met with my surgeon and things have changed since the first time I saw her. First of all, Dr. Du my Oncologist labeled me as Inflammatory Breast Cancer Stage 3b. This is what I am still processing---STAGE 3B. Jesus! Previously, I was Invasive Mammary Carcinoma Favorable Ductal Type Stage 2A. Inflammatory Breast Cancer is considered to be advanced cancer, meaning it has spread from its point of origin to nearby tissue and possibly lymph nodes. I always knew I had 2 positive lymph nodes. But the new diagnosis changes everything from this point forward. I will now have to do some clinical trial (no details yet) and she will have to remove all lymph nodes (not favorable) instead of the 2 that have tested positive for cancer during surgery. Here is what happens when all your lymph nodes are removed...If you had lymph nodes removed, your immune system may not work as well on that side of your body. ... Infection can increase your risk of developing a condition known as lymphedema, in which lymph fluid “backs up” in the arm, hand, and causes swelling and discomfort.
What's next? I will have 2 surgeries 1 surgery for removal with expanders put in. The surgery should take about 6 hours on Nov. 30th and my recovery will be 4-6 weeks. I was hoping surgery will be Nov. 21st since Nick is generally off during Thanksgiving and Cam would be home from LSU. So, now I'll be recruiting my favorite people to come take care of me. Hint. Hint. Next, will be Radiation which is 5 days a week for 6 weeks. Reconstructive surgery will come after radiation because you don't want new tissue from the new breast to be affected by radiation. However, reconstructive surgery could be anywhere from 3 to 6 months following radiation and that surgery will be 12-14 hours long.
My legs are so painful because I have tons of fluid still on me. Or, I could have neuropathy (numbness or weakness).
My results from my MRI came in. A mass that was 8.2 cm (bigger than a baseball) is now 6mm. I also had a mass on my other breast but that one has significantly reduced its size also however, that mass was not cancerous. The size reduction is truly beautiful as my surgeon describes it. Chemo worked.
Keep my family in your thoughts as I prepare for this upcoming surgery. I hear its rough and probably the worse part of this whole process. Most patients experience complications, I am hoping I'm exempt from most.
I will say, I am ready for some normalcy. I want to go to LSU games, I want to go to HomeGoods, I want to go to Marshall's. Shit, I just want to shop in stores and not so much online. I have to still limit myself from being in public because of the germs and it's flu season. My legs are fatigued but since Dr. Du has prescribed medication I’m just hoping to see it working soon.
Thank you all who have been my constant. I love each of you who cooked for us, donated, gave their time to attend my appointments (Nick, Jesse, Jill, Crystal, Shelly Arceneaux), those of you who walk into my office and say "how are you?", and my facebook friends who comment their encouragement and support you are important to me too. Thank you! ---xoxo
