Venting.

I'm aggravated. I feel like I have cancer one day and other days I don't. I am freaking miserable. It's like waiting for a gender reveal, or waiting for your test scores to post online. The devil comes and says you have to pass through this fire for 7 days and I'll be back to get you to do this all over again real soon.
 Meanwhile, the part that will break you of losing your hair will be torture. You don't know when it'll happen, but it will. It will literally happen overnight, then what? It's a struggle to come to work now, it's hard for me to focus. I'm tired. I can't concentrate on multiple things. And my every thought is cancer and my body feels like jello. I came to work Tuesday, and couldn't stay all day because I was tired. But, you know why? Because I forgot to eat. Makes any sense? No, but I did forget. I went home and slept and returned this morning. Someone said how are you feeling, I said tired, she says...you look tired. I'm fucking trying here. I am. Appreciate the honesty though. It's the weirdest thing. I am cold at night, and then I wake up sweating like as if the a/c broke overnight. I go to bed every night hoping to just fall asleep quickly but I don't. My mind races and it won't shut off. When I finally fall asleep I wake myself from my body jumping. I hear the alarm go off and it's hard for me to remember what day it is and instead of reaching for my phone to shut it off, I reach for my hair to make sure it's still there. I can't even tell you how much this will devastate me. It will take my identity, it will rob me of beauty. I will be more self-conscious than I ever was before. I will get those stares in public like omg, look at her. And, I hate it when people stare, you are so rude when you do that. I brought Jacob to the DMV on Monday and Crystal stood in line for us to go through Express Lane. The lady knew I didn't feel very good and was going through chemo. So, when we got up to her desk Crystal saw that I needed to sit. So she grabbed the neighbors chair and then the mean lady behind the desk said: "ma'am you're going to need to get up, I need that for my next client". But, she had 2 chairs for her next client I didn't leave her without a chair. So, I said ok. You can have your chair back. And, I stood. I got through it standing but my gosh, have some compassion for people. DMW workers are the meanest people ever. She knew I had just received chemo because I told her so when I got up for her next client that just needed 1 damn chair, not 2.
Someone at Nick's job asked, "did they started putting that poison in your wife's body yet?" I ain't doing this with y'all today. Stop. You sound like an uneducated person, k? I'll spare you the details on how Nick handled that.
One of the nights after having chemo I remember Nick feeding me by a spoon. I’m just remembering it. He was crying. I couldn’t console him I was trying to chew my food and swallow it which was a struggle because I just wanted to puke. Nick is my armour. He wants to reverse roles. I don’t know if you have someone like Nick in your life but ladies, when you find him. Keep him for the good times and bad times. Through sickness and health. Because this cancer will try my relationship. It will scar us. It will test us. And my God, will it force us to come out of our comfort zones. I have no doubt our relationship is strong and can outlast any diagnosis.
The week of chemo is hell and waiting for my next chemo date forces you to be nothing but anxious 24/7. I went out in public twice with this port taped up on my neck. I came home today and asked Nick if he thought people might think I was shooting heroin up my neck. He laughed. Because I care. I care what people think. I won’t buy him beer anywhere bc don’t want the cashier to think I drink.
Some of y’all have said I wanted to check on you but didn’t want to bother you. Ummm, k. Not going there either. I’m thanking god for Nick, Cam, J being consistent. Jesse and Crystal for texting daily to see if there’s anything they can do to make my day easier. And shout out to the MVP-my father for not reaching out to his daughter that was diagnosed with cancer.