Proceed with caution is how you see me now...
Look, I’m in a dark dark place in my mind way in the back corner. It’s ugly, frightening, and simply not a place I should be. But I’m there. I’m trying to find a way out. There’s light somewhere, right? You don’t know. Neither do I. But I want it to be very near does that count?
I self sabotaged my treatment today. Yep, you heard me. I allowed my fears to win. I didn’t go to treatment. You’ll never understand this. Sure, my kids need me. But I’m telling you my fears are overwhelming me. My fight has shifted. The strong girl you call me she’s not here. I’m not brave either. This is just what I have to do to stay alive. Listen to the doctors. Obey their orders. That’s my fighting chance because the alternative sucks. And I rebelled today. Imagine that.
People with cancer are suppose to be heroic. I’m fighting a disease that terrifies you. Shit, it’s terrifying me. You often think if she can get cancer, so can I. I’m 36 years old. It doesn’t discriminate y’all.
I hate depending on others. I hate it. There’s nothing fun about being vulnerable. I honestly believe that vulnerability gets you hurt so very easily. I mean, y’all read my last blog. I’m annoyed at your suggestions when you are just trying to help. No one knows the right things to say. But who the hell does? And now every one approaches me like you approach a flashing caution light. I’m sorry. Forgive me.
Someone asked me. Are you pushing people away because you are afraid if something happens to you they will hurt too much? I said no. I’m pushing them away to protect myself. I do this in life. I never allow people to get too close to me. I keep everyone at arms reach. I don’t trust anyone. They say, trust god. His scars are proof you are loved more than you know. I know he loves me. Sometimes it’s just hard to feel it. The people who are suppose to love me unconditionally like my family failed me more times than I can count. Don’t get it twisted I never claimed to carry a halo above my head.
My hair is much thinner. I barely have anything left. I haven’t washed it in a few days bc the little I have will just fall out. It’s not greasy, calm down. Flip side, I don’t have to shave my legs or arm pits. This is hard. I don’t want my kids to see me daily without hair and be reminded of the ugly truth—their mom has cancer. Camryn especially can’t talk about my hair. I’m encouraging her to blog but she’s in so much despair right now. Nothing is making sense to her as she types. We are all going through emotions. And I honestly don’t know how to manage them all and take care of me. I’m a very self aware person. I prepped most steps of this journey. I started buying hair wraps early into diagnosis. I researched wigs early on too. Because I am vain. This is me.
I’m broken right now, but that’s how light will get in. I hope.
Every time I read your blogs, all I can do is cry. I realize there are no words that come to mind that would make anything better. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. It has to be the scariest thing, I would think.
ReplyDeleteI don’t have cancer but I can tell you that it’s a daily struggle to get through some things that I’m dealing with concerning my children. A few devastating things have happened in recent past. I know what it feels like to live in so much fear that you just don’t know if your mind and heart can handle much more. Some days I question if I’m really sane or if I’ve learned to fake being sane. I can imagine that you feel all alone because most days, so do I. It’s like even if people really do care , it doesn’t matter because they can’t do anything to help you or ‘ fix it ‘. I don’t know what came over me to share this with you but I can tell you this , when I feel like I can’t do this ‘ life’ anymore , I fall to my knees and beg God to take over the situation and for the most part, he touches me and let’s me know he’s never left my side. It’s me that pushes him away because I’m trying to control things and I’m stubborn. Life is scary, death is scary. Some days I don’t know which is scarier. And that’s when I realize the devil is lying to me. He wants us to live in fear and steal our joy. God is there, holding us up when we’re too weak. You inspire me, that might sound a little strange to you but I just wanted to encourage you to keep going. Besides , what other choices do we have? You , me, we have more courage than we realize. Keep going, keep pushing. Even if I don’t know what to say, I am a good listener. I think of you and I pray for you.
I just figured out who you are by going through your pictures. Your mom was a good friend and a wonderful person. The last time I saw you, you were a little girl , at your grandmas house.