I have Cancer, ok?

  It slapped me in the face this morning, cancer that is. Today, I got up around 7:30am and took a shower. As I was washing my hair, some of it was falling. I knew this was the beginning I have been dreading since day 1 of my diagnosis. I got out of the shower and did my makeup with my hair wet. After I started brushing my hair I looked at my brush with an excessive amount of hair in it. And, my hair was coming out by the hand full at this point. I thought to myself, ok lock me up I'm going to lose my shit now. I was alone in my bathroom and I thought ok, I could cry but no one would hear me and no one can stop this from happening. So what's the point? I did what I could to make my hair look decent because I must work today. It's tough driving here all by myself with just my thoughts. Because every emotion is busting at the seams. I walk in, and I sit in my office with no sunlight (bc we have no windows) which makes me more depressed. It sucks. 
                                                   
  I ordered one wig that I loved in the photo but of course when you put it on it doesn't look like you. It's full, big, bulky, and the bangs look ridiculous. I see why most women just walk around with wraps on their head. The process of buying a wig is scary and I have zero knowledge of wig purchases. Lace front, frontals, bands, adhesive, etc. You know what that means? Neither do I. No one is out here saying hey Nicole, this is what you need. There are no shops in this area that specialize in hair loss at least I haven't found one yet. The closest I found was in New York and good god their wigs look real but their price tag isn't for the cancer budget ladies. Thankfully, Bree is working on the wig I did purchase and I hope it will work. She always seems to be there in my worse situations, and I love her for it. She gets it, she really does. She is also extremely busy and she does what she can to see me. Not because I have cancer, but because she gets it like I said.

  I'm not blogging for you guys to give me advice, I'm not. I'm not blogging for you to tell me to grab a peppermint when I'm sick. Or, to tell me to take a damn vitamin. Or, to ask me to reach out to your friend that had the same damn cancer as me.  No cancer is the same. No one is going through what I am going through. I am blogging because it's therapeutic for me. And, stop sharing my blog on your damn page. I hate when you guys do that. I am sharing with you on my page because you are my friend. Trust me, I know it's a blog and it's public but if I wanted it to be shared I would say so or put it public not on private settings. I've got a lot of new friends request lately. I don't even know you but I accepted your request because either you are nosey or you care. But, damn introduce yourself first. As you can tell, I'm irritable. Yesterday I stayed home from work because I just needed to be. I wanted to lay in my bed and not worry about a thing. It didn't work out so well, but at least my bed is comfortable. And, I'm telling you if I could hide under a rock for the next year I would and I know I will try my best to.

  Today is Nick's birthday, the day I started to lose my hair. How memorable right? I can't be happy today because it's hard. I'm stuck in this cloud of fog from chemo to hair loss. I just can't get it together. Bare with me people, I'm trying really hard for my kids and Nick. They need me. But I'm losing my shit today bc I have cancer, ok?